Ok – Here is my problem.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have a great big erection. It is like a baby’s arm, in fact. At the same time, I am desperate for a wee.
How can I alleviate the pressure on my bladder without spraying piss all over the bathroom?
I have tried standing on my head on the lavatory seat, but that didn’t go very well and I spent several months in hospital as a result. That did have something of a silver lining as at least when I was in hospital, I was able to piss in a bedpan.
Yours hoping you can cut the Gordian Knot.
Neophyte
Straighttothepoint says-
Dear Neophyte.
This sounds like a terribly difficult situation, and I have a great deal of sympathy for your plight. You could always look on the bright side, at least you can still get an erection. You may one day, think wistfully of the days when an erection was problematic. Have you thought about fervent masturbation, to relieve the pressure, before going to the bathroom? If you find masturbation particularly difficult, I am advised that there are magazines, which contain stimulating pictures of young ladies, in various positions, to inspire you. I can also recommend the Oxford Book of Verse, to stimulate blood flow. Perhaps you could ask yourself, what would Byron do?
PS I would strongly advise you to cover the toilet seat in paper, before using it for handstands. Germs are very dangerous.
Liz Says-
Dear Neophyte
This is a common problem easily solved, put a picture of Anne Widdecome on your bedside table so that when you wake up in the morning, hers is the first face you see and that should put paid to your “baby’s arm” (course it is dear). If that doesn’t work and you actually have a penchant for ‘Ladies of a Certain Breed’ then go back to the hospital and steal a bed pan.
Wobbly James Says-
Dear Neophyte
For God’s sake man, did you not listen at school? It’s a simple mathematical problem that even the kids studying for their GCSEs would be able to solve.
Simply measure the ‘angle of dangle’ and in conjunction with a measure of how hard your bladder is (you may need to buy a tyre pressure gauge to press into your nether regions) you can work out the ESF (expected speed of flow). With these two numbers you will be able to work out exactly how far back you need to stand (this maybe in your child’s bedroom so expect to do this in the dark to avoid waking them up to the full horror) to hit the target. As you always leave the seat up, you filty boy, this will be quick, painless and require no acrobatics or painful bending.
See Wikipedia for a more ‘accurate’ explanation of Trajectory -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trajectory
Good luck brother
Wobbly James
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